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The Cellar Dweller

Posted on March 23, 2010 at 11:56 PM

There I was, single and at the freak show that is Vincent’s Nightclub in Randolph on an ordinary Saturday night, fully confident that I was not going to meet anyone even halfway worthwhile. Now it’s not that I hate this place – I honestly don’t. It’s a great place to go just to have fun with your friends, dance, and do some VERY serious people watching. I know of no other place where you can find a 50-year-old woman dressed in a half shirt and mini skirt standing alongside a guy sporting a head full of jerry curls and a velour shirt.

I was standing at the bar with Dawn when I turned around and he caught my eye. He was very tall with dark hair, huge brown eyes, and an extremely well-developed hockey butt. His name was Paul and he was just adorable. He told me he owned a health food and supplement store in a neighboring town and, as evidenced by his ability to crack walnuts between his butt cheeks, that he was very into health and fitness. He also told me he was 39 and owned a home in Dedham. So let’s summarize the situation here. Responsible – check! Common interests – check! Right age – check! Seriously smoking hot – double check!

We started dating and it was just great, but I did start to notice he was a BIT quirky. For example, on our first date he was wearing the same black dress shirt and black pants as when I met him. OK, no big deal. But then he wore the same thing on our second date, and our third, and our fourth… Basically the dude walked around dressed like a waiter. So of course I had to ask, “Do you own any other clothes”? He replied, “I also own two pairs of jeans, a couple of black t-shirts and a sweater, plus my gym clothes. It’s wasteful to own too much clothing.”

In keeping with his clothing is wasteful thinking, he didn’t wear any underwear, which is fine with me given that I’m normally commando myself, but one of his two pairs of jeans had a massive hole in the crotch. I asked him if MAYBE he thought he should buy a new pair of jeans or at least fix the hole and he said “Nah, no one notices anyhow.” You would think he would get a little cold with the wind blowing up around there but apparently this was not a concern. Still, he certainly looked ridiculously fantastic naked, so I decided I could get over it and we quickly settled into a little dating routine.

He would close down the store on weekend nights, put on the waiter outfit, and we would go out to eat somewhere nice. After that we would go back to my place, cuddle and watch TV, and he would leave in the morning and go directly to the store wearing his black t-shirt and crotch-less jeans. We would repeat this pattern over and over again every weekend.

So, after a couple of months, I finally had to ask him, “Why don’t we ever go to your house”? “Oh,” he said, “it’s really messy plus I don’t want you to be bothered with driving.” OK, figured I would let that slide along with the quirky clothes thing. Then another month passed by... so I asked again, “Gee, maybe we should go to your house this weekend.” “Nah, it’s still a mess,” he said.

It was at this point that I decided I had to do a little bit of detective work. I used a very high-tech investigative tool for this purpose. Now everyone pay attention here and write this down because I’m sure none of you have heard of this fascinating website before. It’s called GOOGLE. So I Google the guy and the first thing that pops up is that he really isn’t 39. No, he’s 45! Now I could understand if he was 54 and was afraid of me thinking he was too old for me, but I ask you all, what exactly is the purpose of him lying and saying he is YOUNGER than me by several years?? Next, I find an address for him and it’s the same as his parents. I confront him about these things, going so far as to tell him, “I’m giving you a get out of jail free card. Just tell me the truth.” Still, he continued to insist he was 39, owned a home in Dedham, and this “Google or whatever you call it” was wrong.

So I consult with Dawn on the matter and she suggested another highly sophisticated investigate method. Dawn plugged the parents’ address into a device called a GPS. This amazing little thing directs us and before very long we were slowly cruising by the house around midnight. As expected, his SUV was parked in the driveway and all the lights in the house were off, so one would assume everyone was inside sleeping. I again ask him, “Are you sure you don’t live with your parents and that you aren’t 45”? “Well, maybe I’m 45. But I really live by myself.” I told him I knew he was lying but he insisted that I was wrong. A little after that I got a text message from him “Joanne, I can’t date you anymore.” I tried to confront him on it, but he wouldn’t pick up the phone, answer any emails, etc. I never knew if he was really ashamed by his lies or if he had just stumbled upon the pictures from my most recent Cancun vacation. Hey, what can I say, tequila makes you do some crazy stuff!

Being middle-aged and divorced, the idea that someone approximately my own age could be a cellar dweller didn’t even occur to me initially. Unfortunately, I have now discovered this is a very common occurrence. When confronted, cellar dwellers will typically respond that they live with their parents because “they are older and need my help,” instead of the truth, which is usually “I’m lazy and my Mom makes a great meatloaf.”

As a result of that experience, I typically Google every guy I date right away just to verify that they truly are not a cellar dweller. Now I want to know…do you Google every person you are interested in dating, or do you just trust them initially until they raise a warning flag?

By Joanne Giannini

 

Do you Google every person you are interested in dating, or do you just trust them initially until they raise a warning flag?(surveys)

Categories: Joanne Giannini, Dating for 40+ crowd

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6 Comments

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12:23 PM on January 23, 2011 
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Reply Joanne Giannini
11:05 AM on March 28, 2010 
All I can say is....DUDES!!!! WTF!!! Google them all and trust no one!
Reply PEGGY SNOOPY
3:18 PM on March 25, 2010 
GOOGLE SEARCH THEM & PULL THEIR RECORDS FROM THE POLICE DEPT. I HAVE SO FAR DATED MEN THAT HAVE LIED ABOUT BEING MARRIED WITH NUMEROUS CHILDREN FROM NUMEROUS WIFES, LYED ABOUT THEIR JOBS...AKA DAVID THE INVENTOR OF THE SUPERSOAKERS..TO DANNY THE WELLS FARGO CRAZY BANKER AFRAID TO ASK MY AGE WHO PROCEEDED TO SEND 25 TEXT MESSAGES IN 1 HOUR, TO THE MOST RECENT 3 MONTH BOYFRIEND..AKA LEO WHO TURNED OUT TO BE PART OF THE ITALIAN MAFIA & TYED INTO MONEY LAUNDERING, TAX EVISION, ETC.. TO THE MOST RECENT...GREEK GUY WHO AFTER 1 DATE ASKED ME TO GO TO GREECE WITH HIM...TO THIS MORNING A MESSAGE FROM A GUY IN GREECE THROUGH FACEBOOK WHO I DO NOT EVEN KNOW...WHO ASKED ME TO COME TO GREECE TO SEE HIM...WTF IS WRONG WITH THESE MEN..WHATEVER HAPPENED TO GETTING THE TIME TO KNOW SOMEONE? PEGGY IN FLORIDA!
Reply Charlotte Driscoll
11:11 AM on March 25, 2010 
I can't for the life of me the reasoning of people who lie. I especially can't understand the lies coming from someone you are datin. I once had a similar experience. The man who caught my attention with his drop dead georgeous ble eyes , the cemistry was there too! I dated him for almost 2 yrs. and then found out he was married. He was a Police officer. I used to question why he always brought his lunch to work with him. His reply was that his mother made it and he didn't want to hurt her feelings refusing it. No big deal , I continued dating him. He was so attenattive toward me. I was so happy. One night he was over my apt. and said he wasn't feeling wel. I said then go home and get some rest. I had an uneasy feeling this time. They always go with your gut feeling. I gave him a 5 min. head start. I got in my car and followed him. ( he had no clue that I was behind him ) .I saw that he had parked his car in a parking lot behind a club we used to frequent. I swent inside and stood there looking around. Wella there he was with another woman . He finally spotted me. I had parked my car behind his so ther was no getting away without an explanation. He had none. I let he go and followed him. He was about to need depends at this point . He continued to pull over and say please just go home. I refused. I wanted to know what else he was hideing. Well come to find ot his mother wasn't making his lunch it was his WIFE. He was in real disbelife that I was smart enough to catch on. So my story ended the next day after I met with his wife for coffee. I certainlly could of used that Google then. One very broken heart later. I will take your advice on the Google idea. Thanks for sharing that. To the editors of MSMagizine. This colum has been a great help to me with real stories. Thanks again for adding this columm.

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